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「いい子ちゃん」だった私

晴れて(?)私は第一希望に落ちて関西大学に入学した。

大学になり下宿を始めてホッとしたことが一つある。

 

それは”私が思う、親が子に抱く理想”から逃れられたことだ。

親と物理的な距離ができたことで、思いっきり自分のやりたいことができた。

 

”私が思う、親が子に抱く理想(大学生)”とは、

勉学に励み、友達とサークル活動し、適度に遊ぶ。

 

でも今私が送っている日常は、

talikiで活動し、社会問題系のイベントに参加し、本を読む。

 

私が親に自分の日常を伝えない限り、親は私のことは知ることができない。

だから、今までやりたいけど我慢していたことが思いっきりできる。

 

でも、ふと思う。

私みたいに親にとってのいい子ちゃんが世の中にいっぱいいるのではないだろうか。

いい子ちゃんは本当の自分を押し殺していないのだろうか。

自分がやりたいことをちゃんとできているのか。

他人の評価軸で自分を評価していないだろうか。

 

いい子ちゃんは大学で勉強している時に思うだろう。

勉強できないといけない。

いい子ちゃんは就活している時に思うだろう。

良い会社に入らなくては。

本当に勉強することは自分にとって楽しいことなのだろうか。

本当にその会社は自分が働きたいと思う場所なのだろうか。

 

親孝行だから。

友達が言っていたから。

ネットに良いと書かれてあったから。

そこに本当の自分はいるのだろうか。

 

私の大学卒業までの目標は親に対する自己開示である。

二十年間自分で作ってきた”私が思う、親が子に抱く理想”を打ち破るため。

同時に、何をやりたいか、何が好きか、どんな未来を描きたいか、

周りの評価軸を気にして言えなかった弱い自分を克服するため。

 

いっぱいいっぱい親と話そうと思う。

きっと衝突するだろう、価値観が合わないかもしれない、泣いてしまうかもしれない。

でも、本当の自分を認めて欲しいから。

自分とも、親とも向き合って行こう。

案外すんなり自分のことを認めてくれるのかも。

 

いい子ちゃんだった5年生の私へ

  人前で思いっきり泣いてよかったんだよ。

  助けてって言ってよかったんだよ。

  大好きなものを大好きって言ってよかったんだよ。

  もっと素直になってよかったんだよ。

                     二十歳の私より

成人式の前撮り写真。

 

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