「いい子ちゃん」だった私

辻野結衣

関西大学政策創造学部政策学科二回生。十年間大好きなバドミントンをし、高校二年生のころ通っていた英会話で起業家や社会についての記事を読むにつれて社会問題に興味を持つ。ただいまネガティブ改善中。落ち込んでたら芋けんぴください。芋けんぴくれたらすぐ立ち直るくらい芋けんぴ大好き。

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ハタチになった。

最近、誕生日だったからか、子供の頃の自分を振り返ることがとても多い。そして思うことは、子供の頃の自分と今の自分は深くつながっているということ。

 

小学生の頃の私はいい子ちゃんだった。

硬筆、習字、ピアノ、英会話、バドミントン。

毎日習い事づくし。

 

でも、どれも親の強制でやっていたわけではない。

根っからの負けず嫌いで、上手になればなるほど楽しかったし、

何より親が褒めてくれる。

褒めてくれれば私も嬉しい。

嬉しいから親が褒めてくれそうなことを全力でやり成果をあげる。

 

私は親にとってのいい子ちゃんだった。

小学校5年生の頃、私には友達がいなかった。

同じ友達グループにいた子たちが、リーダー格の子を筆頭に陰でこそこそ私の悪口をいうようになった。

それが波及して私に声をかける子は減っていった。

それは決して目立ったいじめではなかった。

だから同じクラスの男子がこの話を読んでもピンとこないだろう。

 

でも、自分にとっては大きな変化だった。

 

私の休み時間の居場所は運動場から図書館に変わった。

体育の時に着替える場所は教室の中心から端っこに変わった。

 

学校は地獄だった。でも家はもっと地獄だった。

 

家に帰ると両親が笑顔で迎えてくれる。美味しいご飯が待ってる。

とても温かかった。でも、苦しかった。

なぜなら学校であった悪い話を親にできなかったからだ。

 

小学5年生の私は親の困った顔、悲しんだ顔を見たくなくて、必死で学校の話題は避けた。学校の話題を出さなくて済むように、勉強や習い事を必死でやった。

テストの点数や習い事の成果でなんとか母親の喜んだ顔を見ていたかったからだ。

 

でも心の中では、叫んでいた。

自分の本当の気持ちを誰か聞いて欲しい。

 

学校に居場所がない。

休み時間になると、二階の窓から思いっきり飛び降りてしまいたい衝動にかられる。

 

家に帰った瞬間に部屋に行く。

部屋ではハサミで必死に手首を切ろうとする。

しかし勇気がないから細い線が入るだけ。

 

助けてほしい。

傷ついている本当の自分に気づいて欲しい。

 

結局最後まで、母親には学校で居場所がないことは言えなかった。

 

ここで一つ言いたいのは

気づいてくれなかった親が悪いのではない。

助けてと言えなかった弱い自分が悪かったのだ。

 

”自分が思う、親の子に対する理想”を打ち破れなかった弱い自分がいたのだ。

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事態は一変し 、二学期になって私には友達ができた。

彼女はクラスの中ではおとなしい子だった。

私とつるんだら、私のことを良く思わない人たちから何を言われるかわからない。

 

でも、そっと私のそばにいてくれた。

助けてくれた親友と。

 

私の休み時間の居場所は図書館から教室へ。

体育の時間着替える場所はあいかわらず端っこのままだったが、一人ではなくなった。

 

周りの環境は変わった。しかし、助けてと言えなかった弱い自分とは向き合えなかった。

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中学でも親との関係は同じだった。

 

テストや部活で成果を出す。褒められる。

でも、自分の考えていること、好きな小説についてはあまり言えなかった。

「そんなの興味あるの?」

「なんでそんなこと考えるの?」

実際に言われたことはないが、

そんなこと言われたらきっとショックで傷つく。

そうなりたくなくて本当の自分を出すことができなかった。

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高校3年生の頃も”本当の自分”と”私が思う、親が子に抱く理想”のギャップで苦しんだ。

私は第一希望で私立の大学に行きたかった。

でも、親は私が進学校に通っていたから国公立の大学を第一希望にするのは当たり前だと考えていた。

だから私は高校3年の12月まで私大の入試情報を一切見なかった。

 

自分のことが言えない。

自分の意見が否定されるかもわからないけど、言う勇気がない。

戦う前に戦う権利を自分で放棄していた。

next page → 大学生になって変わったこと、考えたこと

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