「死にたい」から救われて

川真田夕起

大阪大学文学部日本学専修3年。ロングスリーパーでその名の通り朝に弱い。意識高い系は苦手。基本的には引きこもり体質にもかかわらず、ときたま大胆すぎる行動に出てしまい、おかげでtalikiのメディア編集長に就任するはめになる。武器はフットワークの軽さだが、おかげで財布も常に軽い。

talikiに入って、社会課題の解決に取り組んでいる人たちと出会うようになった。

先日開催したkokokara未来会議というイベントでも意識の高い学生たち、メンターさんたち、社会人の皆様と出会って、すごいなー、と思った。

それと同時に、こうも思った。

 

『そもそもなんで社会課題の解決ってやらなあかんの?』

 

talikiに入るまで、毎日ぼーっと生きていて、大したこともやってなくて、自己肯定感も低いただの無能だったわたしは、

今でもときどき真剣にそう思う。悩む。

 

たしかに「もっと世の中こうなったらいいのに」と思うことはある。

でも、それってわたしがやることなの?とか。

それって解決できるの?とか。

べつに今のままでもいいんじゃない?とか。

それやったところでほんとに誰かが幸せになるの?とか。

それ解決したところで、ほかの問題がいっぱいでてくるんじゃないの?とか。

なんとなく、逃げの姿勢を作ってしまう。

 

高校生のとき、演劇部に入っていたわたしは、いじめを扱った脚本を書いたことがあるのだが、

脚本を読んだ他校の演劇部員に「これやって何になるんですか?今更いじめの話やって、いじめってなくなると思いますか?」と言われたことがある。

そのとき妙にイラっとして、いじめがなくなるわけない、そもそもいじめをなくそうとか思って書いてない、と反論したのだけれど、

いやぁいじめなんてなくせるわけないでしょ、と今も思っている。

 

talikiに入って、この世の中にはそれはもう死ぬほどたくさんの社会課題があることを知った。

ときどき絶望する。

『こんなんどんだけかかっても解決すんの無理や』

『つらい思いしてる人がいるのわかってて助けに行かないわたしって最低や』

『人間なんか生きてるだけで罪や、みんなまとめて死んだほうがましや』

そう思う。

talikiミーティングの様子。

社会課題の解決なんてきれいごとだとか思う。

わたしはわたしの目に入る範囲がそれなりに幸せだったらいいんだとか思う。

全部見なかったことにしてぬくぬく生きていきたい、と。

 

でも、振り返ってみたら、わたしの目に入る範囲すべてが幸せだったことって、ないな、と気づいた。

next page → 死にたくても死ねない、ということ

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